Professor Paul’s Tactical Chili
*Start early in the morning so it can simmer all day. Minimum 6 to 7 hours is best. You cannot rush something this good.
Ground beef (venison will work if you have it) 2 lb.
Diced Tomatoes 1 large can
Tomato Sauce 1 medium can
Mushrooms 1 large can or 2 small cans (don’t be a puss)
Green Bell Pepper 1 large, fresh
Jalapeno Pepper 1 large, fresh
Granulated Sugar ¼ cup (don’t question me, it’s my recipe)
Chili Seasoning 1 package (we prefer McCormick, but whatever)
*Salt (If you desire a bit more salt add a dash of liberal tears)
Begin by browning the ground beef in a large skillet. (If you are using venison instead of ground beef, consider adding a small package of ground pork sausage, original flavor. You won’t regret the sausage choice and it will keep the hajis away. Come to think of it, I might just start adding pork to the normal recipe for that reason.)
While the beef is browning, open all the ingredient cans and add them to your large crock pot/slow cooker. Add the sugar and chili seasoning. Stir with wooden spoon. *Set the empty large tomato can aside.
Check your ground beef to be sure you are not burning it. Good? Okay, now move on to the peppers.
Slice and dice up the bell pepper and the jalapeno pepper then add them to the mix in the crock pot. (Word of caution, if you touched the jalapeno with your bare fingers you might consider washing them with dish soap and water BEFORE you forget and rub your eyes or take a leak. You’ll thank me.)
The ground beef should be browned by now. Put a lid on it and drain all the excess grease into the empty tomato can that I told you to set aside. If you are like most men you skipped over that part and threw it out. Go dig it out of the trash, you need it and it’s not like it needs to be sanitary to save grease. *Don’t give me that “grease adds flavor” excuse. Let’s face it, your waistline isn’t what it used to be so drain the ground beef.
Add the ground beef to the crock pot and mix it with all the other ingredients thoroughly. If you have a lot of meat (yeah, I got that) you might wish to add two cups of water. Again, stir it.
Put a lid on it and set the cooker for “High”. After an hour or two the fantastic aroma of chili will fill the air. Turn the cooker down to “Low” and let it simmer for several more hours. Ask someone to remind you to stir it once an hour because you know you won’t remember.
After the requisite 6 to 8 hours, turn the cooker to “Warm”. Serve it a large bowl. Garnish with shredded cheese (you decide what kind, I’m not your mother). Round crackers are a worthy addition.
If you are seriously motivated, put a loaf of French bread in the oven and bake it up. You will feel more like a man eating your chili with fresh baked bread and you can use a piece to wipe the last remnants of goodness from the bottom of the bowl. You are welcome.
P.S. – If Super Dave Harrington is planning a visit, double the recipe.
P.P.S. – If you decide you know better than me and freelance by adding beans or onions, keep it to yourself. As a matter of fact, what’s the point in taking the time to read a recipe if you are going to just do what you want anyway? You know what, if you don’t want my advice, don’t ask. I have more important things to do than sit around giving you advice you aren’t going to take. For instance, I’m sure there is a gun that needs cleaning or magazines to load.